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Shedding My Winter Coat in Ten Easy Steps

Ah, my winter coat.  Red, wool, comfy cozy and one size too big, the better to hide my winter rolls.  But, see, when I refer to my winter coat, it’s not actually my red wool coat that I’m speaking of.  It’s my extra 10+ pounds of, uh, insulation that I put on every winter.  That’s right, winter makes me fat.

Now, I am extremely good at losing weight.  I’m a champ at it, when I set my mind right.  I have been known to drop 2 pounds a day.  I have done twice daily workouts and subsisted on protein and vegetables alone.  And why am I so good at it?  Because I am so miserably bad at maintaining my weight.  I do rather well April through September, but once the leaves start turning golden hues and a winter chill sneaks into the morning air, I start blowing up like Violet Beauregarde, or perhaps Harry Potter’s Aunt Marge.  It’s cold, it’s dark and I am lazy.  Cold weather doesn’t invite salads and grilled chicken.  January chill begs for thick and hearty stews and casseroles and delicious things loaded with cheese, gravy and fat.  Christmas cookies, Thanksgiving carbs, Valentine’s candy…was there ever a season more detrimental to the waistline?   Who can blame me for losing my focus?  I even have an impressive list of reasons that it’s hard for me to maintain my workout schedule during the winter months:

  • I’m sick
  • My kids are sick
  • My kids need help with homework
  • It’s too dark to run before/after work
  • It’s Thanksgiving/Christmas/New Years/Valentine’s and I’m busy with that
  • I haven’t exercised in a month and now I’m afraid it will make me puke/faint/stroke out

All that is true, but it’s really just a lot of excuses.  Well now, the time has come to pay the proverbial piper.  Spring is almost here, my pants are very tight and I say “ugh” out loud every time I accidentally encounter a mirror.  My winter coat must go and it must go NOW.  So I declare that it ends tonight.  Tonight is my last night behaving like a fat girl.  Tomorrow is a brand new day.  I hope and pray that I’m not the only one with a winter coat, so I’ll share my plan.  I welcome feedback, ideas and encouragement.  Pointing and laughing, however, is discouraged.

 

The modern day gauntlet is mailed to the unsuspecting fatties

 

So, with that said, I declare to all and sundry – Starting tomorrow morning at the painful hour of 5 AM, I shall:

  1. Get up and exercise before work for at least 30 minutes and maintain a “feel like I’m dying” intensity.
  2. Pack 4 healthy snack/meals (breakfast, snack, lunch, snack) for work and not be tempted by anything that is being offered/shared at the office.
  3. Deny my family cheesy, greasy, heavy and/or delicious dinners.  The Chicken Plan is in effect.
  4. Start running again and be ready for the first 5k of the season on April 7.
  5. Religiously record every bite of food in my calorie counting app.
  6. Show my face in my cardio class faithfully unless there is a true and urgent conflict.
  7. Stop baking cookies.
  8. Remember to take my vitamins.
  9. Stop buying so many granola bars, because they’re really no good for a diet.
  10. Step on the scale every single morning, no matter how much it hates me (and it does.  It SO does). 

These are the things I must do.  They aren’t pleasant, they’re not fun, but they’re not optional.  I’m lumpy and out of shape and I am not about to buy one single item of clothing in a bigger size.  The upside?  If I start running again, then I can justify a new pair of nifty cute running shoes. 

Oh, and maybe I can get up off the couch without making that sound out loud.

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