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My Bad Word Triggers

Generally, I try to be a positive person.  Not because it comes naturally to me, oh no.  It’s a challenge for me to be thankful and appreciative and I work very hard at it.  After all, no one likes a whiner.  However, there are some things that absolutely bug the living crap out of me and I just can’t be thankful for them.  This post will probably be a touch rant-y, and we all have my lovely sister to thank for putting the peanut butter knife in my head tonight.  (Not literally.  My skull is far too sturdy to fear a peanut butter knife.)

Without further ado, please enjoy my list of the things in everyday life that make me say bad words.

  • The peanut butter knife, of course.  You can’t rinse it.  You can’t melt it away.  The dishwasher will cook it on.  Your sponge will absorb the gunky peanut butter.  What to do?  You’re just going to have to smoosh the wet and goopy peanut butter off with your fingers.  Or throw out the knife, that’s also an acceptable option.
  • Ladybug, ladybug, fly away home.  Really.  The ladybugs SWARM my house.  I’ve been told by a reputable source that our town releases them on purpose to control some other type of pest and my exterminator is not allowed to kill them. What is this fresh hell?  They might be lady-like and they might be a pretty color, but they’re still bugs and I. Want. Them. Gone.
  • Bad driving.  I don’t mean drivers who drive too fast, or too slow or leave their signal on, although those are not skills to brag about.  I’m talking about people who have a license (presumably) to operate a motor vehicle who don’t seem to understand the basic rules of driving.  Like how to execute a tangent turn, or turning right on red, for the love of pete.  I know the DMV has a book.  Get one.
  • People who fake-laugh incessantly at inappropriate times.  You know these people.  They laugh every time they say something.  They laugh every time you say something.  They laugh when they’re uncomfortable.  They laugh when you punch them in the eye…well, that’s a theory yet to be tested.  I’ll keep you updated.
  • Bra lines.  Here we are, well into the 21st century and still no one has manage to design a bra that won’t cut into my back fat.  I see where our inventors’ priorities lie.  I could be wearing a bra five sizes too big and you’d still see the bra line with the neat little back fat outline.  Can we get some bra innovations that recognize that the back of the thing is as important as the front?
  • Chapped lips.  Why should it be that my lips are always so chapped?  I’m not smooching too much, I have lots of lip balm and I’m well hydrated.  WHY MUST THIS BE?!
  • Catass (pronounced “ca-tass”).  That’s the word that my husband and I invented to describe the moments when cats offer their heinies for your olfactory enjoyment.  I understand that cats love to smell butts, but I do not.  I adore my cats, but they need to keep the catassery to a minimum.  Like, none.
  • When you lose weight and people always ask, “What is your secret?”  Duh, it’s not a secret.  Eat less, move more.  News flash to the world, if there was a quick and easy way to lose weight, we’d ALL be doing it and it still wouldn’t be a secret.
  • Text speak in emails.  I realize that a great many people use email on their phones these days.  I do it myself from time to time.  That doesn’t make it okay.  It’s called “text” speak for a reason.  “U” does not equal “you” in an email or a facebook post and double, nay, TRIPLE, shame on you if you’re engaging in this nonsense in emails at work.  Just type the letters!  That’s why they’re there!

This is by no means a comprehensive list but just a few of the things that stay on the top of my mind.  Like every morning when I put on my chapstick, clear dead ladybugs out of my way and slog off to work to spend the day with a fake laugher.  Shudder.

 

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  1. March 4, 2012 at 8:28 pm

    Lol! (Is laugh out loud acceptable in a reply to a post? It isn’t as informal as a text but not as formal as an email, especially a work email.) I love these! Catass, now that is priceless and so true. If I may add, dog-noise-up-catass, we get a lot of that in our house. I am off to make PB & J for lunches tomorrow and I think I have found a solution; I lick the knife then rinse under hot water, and toss in the dishwasher.

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