Home > Uncategorized > The Hater’s Guide to Stuff People Love

The Hater’s Guide to Stuff People Love

If you’re like me, you sometimes feel out of step with other people.  Well, let’s just call it what it is.  Most of the time, I feel like a complete weirdo.  There are so many things that people seem to love that I just can’t make sense of.  While I’m okay with being an uncool dork, I believe that there are more out there.  It’s time for us to speak out about the inexplicable things that people seem to like.  I have compiled the below list for all of you out there who ever wondered if you’re the only one who doesn’t like…well, any of this stuff.  Let’s jump right in, shall we?

Pedicures – I rank pedicures up there with dentist appointments as a necessary evil.  Let’s face it, feet are never cute and they need all the help they can get.  So, if you’re planning on living in flip-flops for a season, you owe it to society to do something with your dogs.  However, I haven’t met a woman yet who doesn’t claim to delight in a pedicure.  Really?  Strangers are touching your feet.  Why is this supposed to be enjoyable?  I don’t want anyone to touch my feet, ever.  I occasionally endure it for two reasons.  Number one, I have country feet and they really do get pretty raggedy.  Number two, my daughter likes pedis and it’s a nice chance for us to get some girl time, so I endure all the stranger foot touching for her.  The sacrifices we make.

Long walks – First and foremost, I need to exclude long walks on the beach.  Anything happening on the beach is okay by me.  But, in general, people love to take walks.  I don’t mind walking to get places, but walking for the sake of walking?  Boring.  Completely mind-numbing.  And I reject all the doctors in the world with all their scientific nonsense about the benefits of walking.  Of course it’s better to walk than to sit on the couch, but there’s nothing on earth to convince me that walking is powerful exercise.  Not as long as I have Billy Blanks in my DVD player, who seems to believe the only kind of “good” workout is one in which you feel like you might die. 

Looks good, doesn't it? It's a dirty trick!

Eggplant parmesan – Alton Brown once suckered me into trying eggplant and I’ll never trust him again.  Eggplant is not good.  While I can agree that the best way to serve any repulsive food is to fry it, then smother with tomato sauce and cheese, I don’t understand why we need to do this when there are still chickens available. 

Parades – People are inexplicably drawn to parades.  I’ll never understand it.  I’ve been to a fair amount of parades and in my youth, I was even in a couple of them, as a girl scout or a high school band member.  This should give you an idea of the high standards parades have when choosing participants.  I feel qualified to attest, from every aspect, parades are lame.  You tend to see a lot of fire trucks, classic cars and horses.  One is pretty much the same as the other.  If you have remembered to bring a camp chair, you can view the festivities in relative comfort, but if not, you’ll be jostled on the sidewalk by other people all jacked up on parade hysteria.  Sometimes, if you’re lucky, someone will throw candy at you or your kids.  And you might even get to see an extremely uncomfortable horse poop in front of the whole town.  Why is this so attractive?  Poop and projectiles with a few extremely loud sirens thrown in is a good time?  Yet I still get open-mouthed stares of disbelief should I voice my opinion that parades are dumb.

Diamond rings – Diamond rings are gorgeous, I can’t deny that.  They are pretty and sparkly and an outstanding way to show how much your fiancé/husband loves you.  Wait, what?  I’m not going to go into all the reasons I think it’s messed up for any man to spend three months’ salary on a chunk of rock to prove his love, but I do think it’s messed up.  My primary dislike for diamond rings, or for that matter, any ring of that style, is that they’re uncomfortable as hell.  Unless you have freakishly small knuckles, any ring that fits onto your finger is going to move.  It’s going to spin around from time to time and you have to deal with that rock twirling around on your hand.  In addition, diamonds are incredibly and ridiculously expensive and you’re expected to wear it every day for the rest of your life and never, ever lose it or damage it.  I don’t know about you, but I don’t need that kind of pressure.

Hugs – I have a very spacious and well-defined personal space.  Generally, I don’t want anyone there, but I will allow the people very close to me access from time to time.  What I speak of are the more casual, random, “good to see you” hugs.  What is this about?  People with whom you have a passing acquaintance want to hug you to say hello?  Oh, hell to the no.  This is not ever, ever permitted.  The good news is that it’s generally very easy to nip this behavior in the bud with a step backward and horrified look.

Tickling – Did you know that tickling is actually a form of torture?  I’m not kidding, it is.  In my home, it is treated as such.  Tickling is cute and funny for about fifteen seconds, then all bets are off and I will punch, elbow, kick or scratch until you stop.  There is a moment (at about second sixteen of tickling) at which I lose all sense of sanity and good behavior and I will fight like you’re a stranger in a dark alley. 

Restaurants – I understand the concept behind going out to enjoy nice meal that you neither have to cook nor clean up.  I also understand that no matter how good a home cook you may be, there are some things that you can’t duplicate at home.  Even with all those benefits, I still have a hard time enjoying restaurant meals.  For one thing, I am not an adventurous eater.   There are a lot of things that I don’t like and I have not the least interest on wasting my money on food that I don’t like.  I once went to a restaurant that should have been named “The Roasted Red Pepper,” because every blasted item on the menu had roasted red pepper in it.  I assure you, I would have been far happier eating leftover chicken at home. Or even a bowl of Cheerios.  Another, and more important, problem I have with restaurants is that there are people touching my food.  I don’t know these people.  I don’t know how clean their kitchen is and I don’t know how often they wash their hands.  I don’t have enough blind faith in me to assume that everyone involved in my food preparation is following health code to the letter.  Nothing but the utmost respect for those in the industry who are doing it right, but anyone who has ever worked in a restaurant knows about and fears the exceptions.

Camping – I don’t understand how anything that is inconvenient, uncomfortable or lacks running water is supposed to be a vacation.  On my vacations, not only do I demand electricity and indoor plumbing, but I better get clean towels and a hairdryer, too.  I can understand the desire to appreciate nature and get back to the simpler things in life, but there is never any good reason to put yourself in a position where you have to pee behind a tree.

Cold rice and seaweed. Mmmm, Mmmm

Sushi – I am revealing my very un-cool nature by admitting how repellent I find sushi.  After all, all the cool kids are eating it!  I have tried sushi.  I have eaten sushi more than once.  I still don’t like sushi at all, no matter how trendy it is.  I’m not even talking about sashimi, because anything with eyeballs needs to be thoroughly cooked and that’s not debatable, so I won’t even discuss it.  But even the beloved California roll gets a big fail from me.  So what’s my problem with sushi?  Only this.  If you wrap something in seaweed, it’s going to taste like seaweed every time.  I’ll save my seaweed consumption for when I’m stranded on a deserted island, thank you very much.

I’m still partly convinced that there must be something delightful about all of these things that I’m missing, because otherwise why would everyone love them so much?  A more cynical part of me is convinced that no one likes any of that crap; they’re all just lying to fit in with all the other people who say they like it.  Probably I am just an oddball weirdo, but I’m okay with that.   As long as no one touches my feet.

photos via www.sushi.com and www.simplyrecipes.com

 

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  1. April 11, 2012 at 10:56 pm

    LOL – Totally agree on the pedicures… and a couple of other things there (diamond rings? Three months salary? I told a guy I would definately NOT marry him if he did that)

    • April 12, 2012 at 7:38 am

      If I knew a guy who wanted to blow three months’ salary, I’d rather he wrote me a check. LOL! Thanks for reading!

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