Home > Uncategorized > Taking a Trip – A Guilt Trip

Taking a Trip – A Guilt Trip

Today I suck.  Today I’m failing at everything I’m trying to do.  I am a jack of all trades, master of none.

My daughter is sick.  For the second time this season, she’s got the wicked stomach virus that brings days of vomiting.  I don’t mean to sound callous, but I’m not really all that concerned about it.  I mean, obviously I’m concerned for my child, but we’ve been down this road before and I know there’s nothing to do but wait it out.  She’ll be okay in a couple of days.  The rub?  For the couple of days that she’s not all right, she needs someone to take care of her.  This is a production.

Day 1:  It’s my day off.  No biggie, we’ve got this.

Day 1 late evening:  Still barfing.  Time for a “who can take a day off” conversation with hubs.  He can take a day off.  Yay!

Day 2:  I go to work, come home and feed soup to my sick baby.  I should have just poured the soup in the toilet and saved a step, but that’s beside the point.

Day 3:  My turn.  I take a day off, technically, but desperately try to work on my laptop all day, torn between my sick child and my work.

Day 3 evening:  Still barfing.  WTF.  I can’t take another day off work.  Hubs can’t take another day off.  Why, in the name of all that’s holy, did I ever think I could be a working mom?  I suck at this!  I can’t even take care of my sick child!  And while we’re on that subject, why can’t I make this kid well?  What kind of mother am I, I can’t even keep a little chicken broth in my kid’s belly.  Today I made my child wait for her broth while I did some work.  I pushed my work onto someone else so I could half-ass try to be a good mother.  I failed at work and I failed at motherhood.  I am helpless and that pisses me off.  There is nothing I can do to make my kid get better more quickly.  There’s also nothing I can do about the fact that I have a job and they need me there.  I can’t be both places and it feels like I’m literally being pulled in two.  Obviously my child takes precedence.  Of course, my child also needs clothes and a home and electricity, so I need to go to work.

My head hurts.  I feel like vomiting, myself.  I have apologized to my child and when I return to work tomorrow, I will apologize to my boss and my coworkers.  I will apologize to my mom, who is taking my daughter tomorrow, and I can only hope and pray that I won’t need to apologize to my elderly grandma, who is going to be exposed to our cooties.  I should just stuff my sorries in a sack for all the good it will do.

Normally, at this point in my post, I would try to insert a little optimism or a funny little whatever, but I don’t have it in me tonight.  Look, I know I’m a good mom.  I know I am dedicated to my job.  But today?  Today I can’t do anything for anyone.

  1. April 5, 2012 at 5:02 pm

    Its days like these that make the good days good. You need something to measure them against and unfortunately a day like this is it. It is days like these that display the fact that being a “modern day mom”, is a tug-of-war of responsibilities, priorities, and apologies. Sure, we got it all, but, WE GOT IT ALL!!! Hang in there and I hope your little one feels better very soon.

    • April 5, 2012 at 8:09 pm

      Thank you for that reminder…we do have it ALL! We’re all feeling better, my daughter physically & me, mentally.

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