Home > Uncategorized > You’re Only as Old as Your Coffee Makes You Feel

You’re Only as Old as Your Coffee Makes You Feel

My morning coffee is something much more than just a breakfast beverage.  Some days it’s the only reason I get out of bed.  I love my coffee and I’m always sad when I drink the last of it.  On Sunday mornings, I sit around in my pjs all morning drinking coffee and it is the best part of the week.  In the past couple of days, though, my coffee has started to turn on me.  It has started giving me heartburn.  It’s mildly uncomfortable and certainly not enough to keep me from my delightful brew, but still.  Why does my coffee suddenly hate me?  There’s only one possible answer.  I’m old.

Okay, I’m not really old.  But I am inching ever closer to the big four-oh and I’m starting to feel it.  I’m not quite hobbling around with my walker and forgetting my children’s names yet, but I’m clearly not twenty-five anymore. (Okay, sometimes I forget my children’s names, but only sometimes.  The cats should be so lucky.)  Since aging is far better than the only realistic alternative, I have decided to age with all the grace and dignity I can muster.  It’s not easy, though, when I burp my way through my coffee and moan about my aching back, with worries about my blood pressure and cholesterol at the back of my mind.

As a thirtyish mom with kids who are getting way too old, far too darn fast, it seems unfair that I have to deal with my own aging when I’m so distracted by my children’s rapid maturation.  Two kids racing into puberty and teenage years are enough to keep anyone’s plate full.  But since I will still have to deal with myself even after they’re grown and gone, always assuming that they will actually move out of my house someday, then I must take a moment now to consider ways to combat the advanced years that feel right around the corner.


This is karma, plain and simple.  A few weeks ago, I told my sister-in-law that we keep Pepcid around just for the heck of it, because we so rarely get heartburn.  And then I failed to knock on wood, so I clearly brought it on myself.  How to deal with it?  Well, I will not give up coffee.  That is not something that’s going to happen.  So I guess I’ll just deal with it.  It’s not a big deal, and should it become a big deal, then I’ll put some cream in my coffee or lace it with Tums or something.  Until then, my guts will get a daily dose of hot, bitter, black coffee strong enough to grow legs and walk away whether they like it or not.


My forehead has a line.  I swear I’m not exaggerating; I really and truly have a permanent and quite prominent line in my forehead.  I might be delusional, but I feel like this has more to do with my fondness for making faces than my age, after all, my mother did tell me that my face would freeze like that.  How to combat it?  I have two options.  I could get Botox, but needles in my face just don’t hold much appeal.  (There are needles involved, right?  I don’t really know so very much about Botox.)  With that ruled out, I can just make faces even more frequently so no one will notice that there are lines there.  Faces it is, then.

Gray hair

I have some grays, but I do manage to cover most of them with Nice and Easy (that’s my style), not so much because I am trying to cover gray, but more because blonde suits me a little better than my natural doo-doo brown.  It makes it much easier to explain my frequent blonde moments, you know.  However, I do have a few stubborn little suckers that just really want to be seen.  The solution?  I usually yank them out if I can get a grip on them; otherwise I just blame it on my kids, like I do my stretch marks and my bad back.  They don’t care, they think it’s hilarious that they’re breaking me and making me old before my time.

Aching Joints

Right before it rains, my right knees aches, unbearably.  It’s enough to make you wish for a drought.  I’ve never had a knee injury or any kind of knee problem, so I can’t explain it.  My spine is a hot mess, so my back aches all the time.  I make a sound when I get off the couch or when I stoop to tie my shoes.  There’s a lot more grunting than there should be for a woman who’s in the prime of her life.  There’s no real way to make these things go away, so the only possible solution is to hang around people who are older and in worse shape than me.  A little perspective works wonders, so I suppose the time has come to chill at the local retirement home in my down time. 

I know these are relatively minor gripes, but in my head, I’m still about twenty-three and completely unprepared for even the slightest signs that I’m (gasp!) getting old.  The bad part is that I’m pretty certain that it’s going to get worse and I already have grocery clerks calling me “ma’am.”  One man’s good manners are just another woman’s deflated ego.  I suspect I might now be cresting the hill, and in a few short years, I’ll be over it.  So in the spirit of aging gracefully, the time has come to move on to the next lifetime milestone….Cranky old lady-dom, here I come!  I look forward to dwelling within your gray walls where we all speak with no internal filter and call people “sonny.”


Author’s Note:  I just called myself an author! Ha!  Anyway, I am slightly bothered by the paragraph about gray hair because of the alternate spelling of gray, namely “grey.”  For some reason I feel that gray hairs should be “grey” and gray crayons should be “gray,” and I can’t explain it.  I don’t think it’s a belief based on grammatical fact, but I did not learn the ins and outs of “gray/grey” in my grammar police training.  However, I’m opposed to “grey” on general principle, so I have opted for “gray,” against my better judgment.  I would also like to note that the multiple uses of the word “gray” just now have rendered the word silly and meaningless to my brain.

Photo via http://www.uselesshumor.com

  1. crabbymommy
    April 28, 2012 at 2:26 pm

    Gosh, so much of what you write resonates with me! I just turned forty so can soooo relate to all the issues! I always thought I’d age with grace but I never thought about the fact that I’d find it hard to accept – but I do and the main reason is that I feel 25 in my head! Truly.

    And coffee? SIgh. That stopped agreeing with me years ago. I switched to tea.

    • April 28, 2012 at 4:35 pm

      Oh you poor dear….tea just isn’t the same at all, is it? I remember a time when forty seemed so old…hard to believe we’re there now. We surely are not old, no matter what our coffee says.

  2. April 28, 2012 at 6:03 pm

    I am also edging towards 40… and although i mostly remember my kids names, I forget my own age. It may be a defence mechanism though.

    I desperately hope that coffee never turns on me. Our relationship has been so long and satisfactory, I don’t know how to cope alone! Even the wrinkles and roots don’t seem so bad after a cup of joe!

    • April 29, 2012 at 8:05 am

      I also forget my age…it comes as a complete shock to me sometimes. As soon as I got used to 36, I realized that I would be 37 soon… it’s just an ugly cycle.
      Thanks for reading!

  3. December 2, 2015 at 8:10 pm

    Funnnny!WHen my child saw this she laughed and got herself into trouble the next day by telling people in her class.

    • December 2, 2015 at 8:48 pm

      I’ll admit it, I immediately re-read this post to make sure I didn’t swear. Hahaha! Always happy to bring someone a laugh, but sorry to hear she got in trouble!!

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