Home > Uncategorized > This Day is Difficult

This Day is Difficult

On this day, I am made of glass.  I am fighting horrific images of hospital corridors, midnight tears, funeral songs and saying goodbye to a friend.  It’s the anniversary.  It has come, as it always does, with a heart-wrenching flood of hurt and regret.  I carry an extra burden on this day and I must carry it gently so I don’t do any more damage.  I am dangerously close to the precipice of grief and it wouldn’t do to slip.

You would think, all these years later, that I would be better in control, but on this day, time doesn’t matter.  On this day, I am transported back and I exist in the past.  I fight the memories fiercely.  I can’t keep living through these most awful moments.  I wait for the year that brings this day without the shards of pain, and I continue to wait, fruitlessly.

Today, I am hurting, but I force myself to find a smile under the darkness.  I am not honoring my friend by holding back tears on this day.  Of course I miss him.  Everyone misses him.  He was the guy that everyone loved, and still remembers with love.  He would smack me on my nose if he could see me on this day.

These are the things that I want to remember on this day.

Pink ping-pong balls, lintless socks, burritos with no onions, roller blading on the track and busting into the school.  Secret long distance phone calls, did you ever see Schindler’s List, freeze outs and goose down pillows.  I’ve got front, headgear is important and fighting over the chunk of fat.  Hello, my name is Stupid.  Holding hands in the dark.  Crying together in a bathroom.  Cooler surfing, Madonna, onion tartlets,  it’s a pterodactyl (caw, caw) and having a wedding by the drink machine.  Ask me if I’m a tree.  You wanna buy a duck?

The things that sound like a ridiculous list of random nonsense are the things that keep me grounded on this day.  These things make me smile and make me happy to have known Matthew even as I cry for the loss of him.  I will never again have a friend like him.  He was full of joy, fearlessness and laughter.  There was never a time when I wasn’t happy to see him.  There was nothing I couldn’t say to him.  I miss him and my heart hurts, but I am so very, incredibly, unspeakably blessed to have known him.

Matthew Lee Montgomery. Pimpin’.

We didn’t have him for nearly long enough, but what we had was incredible.  That is what I choose to remember on this day.

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  1. May 19, 2012 at 6:22 pm

    This is a gorgeous post. I always remember July 3 for similar reasons. I love the list of memories and agree that holding back tears is no way to honor those we no longer see everyday. Seriously. Awesome post.

    • May 19, 2012 at 6:37 pm

      Thank you so much for the compliment. At some point we have to choose to remember the good and push away the bad. It took me a while, but I got there. Thanks again for the really lovely comment.

  2. May 21, 2012 at 1:44 pm

    This made me cry. It is Feb 1 for me. 10 years later, I’ve stopped hoping it will go away, and I welcome the sweet flood of memories and the tears that accompany them.

    • May 21, 2012 at 3:51 pm

      Ah, if only we could have the memories without all the pain. If we can’t have one without the other, I think we’ll all choose both, every time.

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