Home > Uncategorized > 5 Fun Kid Products (brought to you by manufacturers who hate parents)

5 Fun Kid Products (brought to you by manufacturers who hate parents)

I spent a good bit of time watching cartoons yesterday.  Well, I wasn’t actually watching them, but the TV landed on the Cartoon Network, or Boomerang or something and no one cared enough to change the channel for the longest time.  During this time, nothing held my attention so much as the commercials.  There is some bizarre stuff out there for kids.  Neat, interesting and pretty darn cool if you’re four years old, but just plain ridiculous if you’re a parent.

Image courtesy thinkgeek.com. As one child pointed out, “Ew, what if it gets in your butt?!” Indeed.

Topping the list of horrors is Squishy Baff.  First and foremost, I am opposed to the inability to properly use the word “bath.”    If you haven’t seen this, it’s some kind of chemical that you pour in the bath water that congeals and turns into a tub of goo.  My descriptive powers fail me.  When I saw the commercial, I shrieked loudly enough to bring the entire family into the room.  Why would you bathe your child in this?  It looks like alien slime.  What marketing genius invented a product that not only requires a second bath for your child, but also surely requires you to clean your bathtub?  I’m sure it appeals to kids, because they’re known for loving weird, gross stuff, but I cannot for one second fathom a parent getting on board with this. 

Oh, Sweet Jesus. Image via neatoshop.com, but I strongly disagree. “Neato” does not come close to describing this.

Next up is Doggy Doo.  It’s a game where you feed the dog, then he poops and you get to scoop it up!  Are you effing kidding me.  Honest to God, I thought this was a joke.  Are we so out of fun ideas for kids that we’re just going to make them play with dog doo now?  It’s disgusting and it offends my not-so-delicate sensibilities.  If kids really want to clean up dog poop, I feel like most of us could provide them with some real life experience.  Of course, most of us don’t want our children playing with poop, even if it is fake poop.  I don’t know about you, but when my children were young, I was pretty adamant about the fact that poop is not a toy.

Via happynappersinfo.com. Sabotaging nap time one kid at a time.

Happy Nappers are similar to Pillow Pets, but I’ve chosen to focus on Happy Nappers here for two reasons.  One, they make noise and two, the song on the commercial gets in my head on some kind of evil repeat function.  Okay, so this isn’t such a bad idea on the surface, but I suspect that the inventor doesn’t have any children, or has TV-style children who happily go lie down for a nap with no protest.  Rule number one of parenting is make them sleep.  It’s hard enough to make a kid take a nap without giving him a toy!  In theory, these stuffed animals go into their house and serve as a pillow during nap time.  Then you can ring their “sleepy sounds doorbell” and take them out to play!  It sounds nice, but I remember nap time very clearly and I know darn well that no toy is going into its house for nap time.  There were times that I literally had to clear all toys out of my child’s room to get him to lie still and quiet, I sure as hell don’t need a nap time toy that comes with a freaking doorbell.

Via asseenontv-superstore.com. Go ahead and buy it, but don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Moon Sand is marketed as a play sand that molds like play dough and doesn’t make a mess.  I can speak from experience on this one.  Anything that is called sand, is probably going to behave like sand.  Yes, it does have some molding qualities.  It also makes a God-awful mess.  My kids played with it one time, then it mysteriously vanished from my house.  Unless you have a sand table or sand box, do not fall into this trap.  (The sand trap, hardy har.)

Look at them. They all look like they’re up to something. Photo courtesy of shopasseenontv.com

CuddleUppets are blankets that are also puppets.  It’s a clever idea, but if I’m being honest, they scare the shit out of me.  The last thing I need is to wake up in the middle of the night and find my blanket looking at me.  As a parent of children who had better than their fair share of nightmares, this just seems mean.

Call me old-fashioned, but what’s wrong with blocks, Legos and plain old baby dolls?  Those toys are only boring until your child uses their imagination, which takes roughly two seconds.  Our kids don’t need weird, gross stuff that makes life difficult and/or creepy for the parents.  Let’s bring back the plain wooden block and Legos that don’t come in a prefab kit!  Baths with plain water and nap time with an ordinary pillow and a blanket without eyes!  In short, let’s stop the insanity, mommies and daddies out there.  Let’s boycott this weird stuff and get it off our TVs.  If you want your kids to play with poop, that’s your business, but I kind of feel like it should be done in the privacy of your home.  (But please don’t let your kids play with poop.)

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  1. May 28, 2012 at 10:34 am

    Totally agree with the bathtub goo – had the same reaction when I saw it advertised. Of course, the kids immediately turned to me, eyes aglow with the expectation I was going to be excited about it. No. And moon sand is the most evil thing ever- it got over EVERYTHING!

    • May 28, 2012 at 10:52 am

      It’s starting to feel like toy manufacturers are out to get us, right? The day I bathe my child in goo is the day I turn in my mommy card.

  2. May 28, 2012 at 11:49 am

    That Moon Sand shit is AWFUL!! Never ever again. I even made them use it outside and it ended up all over everything i owned.

    • May 28, 2012 at 11:55 am

      It’s got to be specially designed to make the worst mess ever.

      • May 28, 2012 at 12:20 pm

        I have never met anyone who has bought it twice!

  3. Joy Chibuzo
    May 28, 2012 at 7:34 pm

    Oh my gosh Shel, your posts give me a good dose of much needed laughter. And I totally agree with you, there are some really awful commercials out there, sometimes I wonder if I wouldn’t have mandatory vacations or some sort of tour when I eventually have kids. I can only imagine how hard these commercials make parenting already – add that to the endless questions kids are bound to ask.

    • May 28, 2012 at 8:27 pm

      Ah, well, if I can’t laugh at it, I’d cry my eyes out. 🙂 I have to admit, I do buy some of this crap every now and then so that they understand that commerical guys are liarpants. lol

  4. May 30, 2012 at 8:14 am

    What an awesome post!! You had me laughing out loud for the poop toy and the blankies!!! What the hell were those inventors thinking?!! Where are the human rights activists when you need them? Kids bathing in slime here…picking up poop here.. Anybody? Anyone?! 😀

    • May 30, 2012 at 7:25 pm

      I KNOW!! Who thought these things were a great idea, and THEN, who’s buying them?!!! C’mon kids, time for your slime bath! You can pick up poop later, then lie down with your face blanket!

  5. jfinney
    June 6, 2012 at 10:02 pm

    Are you sure squishy baff isn’t the stuff inside of disposible diapers? Ever had washed on in the washing machine? Fun stuff… And we also have experience with moon dough – and agree…

    • June 6, 2012 at 10:13 pm

      Oh my, I think you’re right. Well, I guess that takes care of the kid who pees in the tub, anyway…

      • jfinney
        June 6, 2012 at 10:33 pm

        Ha… And excuse my grammar above… I blame my phone… 😉

  6. June 25, 2012 at 4:45 pm

    I loved reading this post! My kid’s not there yet, but when he is I can say with certainty that none of these things will be making it into our house… unless of course my husband brings them in 🙂 I could totally see him getting into that green goo.

    • June 25, 2012 at 4:48 pm

      Thank you! I’m so glad the bath goo hit the market after my kids were old enough to be grossed out by it. There was a time they would have begged for it.

  1. June 1, 2012 at 7:15 pm

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