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5 Things I Never Have

Sometimes I think I live with thieves, or possibly Borrowers.   No matter how hard I try, there are things that constantly vanish from my home.  I’m a planner and a stocker and I like to have lots of things on hand when we need them.  If there are fewer than two extra bottles of shampoo or tubes of toothpaste in the closet, I get a little panicky.  I like to have extras of things and I like to know what I have in the house.  It causes me no small amount of distress to acknowledge my utter inability to keep a decent stock of certain items.

via ragetrolling.com


In the dark recesses of my memory, in the pre-child years, I remember weeks when I didn’t even buy milk.  If I did buy it, it was by the quart.  What on earth would anyone need with a whole gallon of milk, anyway?  I remember seeing women in the store with two or three gallons of milk in the cart and, I admit, I stared.  Probably with my mouth hanging open.  Well, then I had a son.  Boys have some unnatural dependence on milk.  Maybe some girls do, but not my girl.  All I know is that every woman I know with one or more sons has considered buying a cow on more than one occasion.  I have seen my ten-year-old son drink a gallon of milk in two days.  TWO DAYS.  How can I possibly keep up with him at that pace?  There’s a limit to how many gallons of milk I can put in my fridge, and anyway, on those weeks that I’ve tried to buy two gallons and cut him off at the pass, he suddenly doesn’t want to drink milk until the day after it has expired.  And Heaven forbid I ask him to ration the milk until grocery day, I may as well ask him to stop breathing for all the shock and horror that follows. Yes, I want my child to drink milk.  I would rather he drink a hundred gallons of milk instead of soda.  I just don’t want to keep making emergency milk runs to the store.  I need to understand how it’s possible for any one small human to consume this much milk, or if there’s something more sinister going on.  Like cats with straws and the ability to open the refrigerator


Speaking of cats with straws, my cats love straws.  I mean, they LOVE straws.  The only straws I can have in my house are the flattened, chewed up ones that the cats have swiped and buried under the doormat.  My children might enjoy drinking through a straw, but we’ll never know, because any unattended straw will vanish in nanoseconds.  Capri Sun, juice boxes, nothing is safe.  If there’s a straw in the house, they will have it.  Macaroni Cat knows how to open doors and cabinets and his love of straws far outweighs his respect for his humans’ property.  And so I may have a few stray straws on a high shelf somewhere, but they’re not for human use.  I have to reward the cats somehow after they’ve suffered the indignity of Advantage application.

Toilet Paper

How, how, how is it possible to go through toilet paper so fast?  I buy, without fail, the jumbo package of double roll toilet paper.  Every single time I buy toilet paper, I feel like I’m stocking up for the end of days.  But, all too soon, we’re down to our last lonely four-pack.  What is going on with the toilet paper in my house?  I suspect there’s a secret toilet paper origami artist at work.  Maybe a member of my family secretly eats toilet paper.  Or maybe we just eat too much fiber.  In any case, I feel like I’m going to have to start a toilet paper rationing program.  More than three squares require prior approval.  Or maybe pay toilets are the answer.

Cold Water Bottles

I drink a lot of water.  I encourage my family to also drink a lot of water.  As a result, I have a large quantity of Filtrete reusable water bottles as well as a supplementary case of water.  Yet, somehow, I never have a cold bottle of water when I’m thirsty.  It seems, despite the fact that my children incessantly ask for soda and chocolate milk, that they’re drinking roughly one hundred million bottles of water every day, leaving their poor mother to dehydrate.  More accurately, they’re drinking one sip each out of one hundred million bottles, then leaving mostly full bottles scattered hither and yon.


Hubs and I like coffee.  I mean, we like coffee like crackheads like their next fix.  It stands to reason that we would go through a fair amount of coffee.  In addition to our morning coffee, we often like evening coffee, extra weekend coffee and the occasional homemade pitcher of Frappuccino.  Even accounting for all that coffee brewing, I am still dumbfounded by how quickly we run out of coffee.  I’ve recently explored the idea of a Dunkin Donuts coffee subscription (this is a real thing!), but I’m kind of embarrassed by how much we will need.  Until I get enough courage to commit, I’m going to be on the lookout for sneaky neighbors, squirrels or ghostly apparitions who might be dipping into my stash.

Okay, okay, so I know there really aren’t little beings sneaking around my house taking this stuff (probably).  It’s just incredibly frustrating that I constantly have to stop at the store for these things.  Except straws, of course, I don’t even bother anymore.  I just can’t win this battle, though I will never stop fighting.  One day, as God is my witness, I shall have milk and I shall have coffee and I will mix them and drink them until I need to find the extra toilet paper.  Trust.

  1. June 12, 2012 at 5:57 am

    I have to buy groceries every damn day. When I get rid of the kids, I mean when they grow into adults, I’m just ordering in every day.

    • June 12, 2012 at 6:10 am

      I can’t wait for someone to get a driver’s license around here and go to the store a thousand tones a week for me. 🙂

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