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The 5 Rules of Laundry

I’m a laundry beast.  That’s not to say that I enjoy doing laundry, but I have a schedule and, by God, I’m going to stick to it.  I do not fall behind on laundry, vacation and flu notwithstanding.  However, since my laundry prowess is motivated by my fondness for clean towels rather than any kind-hearted desire to provide fresh and fluffy clothing for my family, I have rules.  They are serious rules.  I’m not responsible for any consequences that result from a failure to follow these rules and any child who has worn dirty jeans to school can attest to it.

via mommyshangout.com

Rule #1

I am not a dirty laundry hunter.  When I say, “bring me dirty laundry,” I also mean the dirty laundry that is lying on your floor and the socks that got lost on the way to the hamper.  If I don’t have it, I can’t wash it and I’m not going to worry about it.  If you have fifteen pairs of dirty jeans lying on your closet floor that never found their way to the washing machine, that’s not my problem.  Find the least stinky pair and wear those.

Rule #2

Things left in your pockets are gifts to me, your laundry fairy.  Most often I receive random beads, rocks and hair bows, sometimes tiny video game cartridges and, all too rarely, cash.  If I’m feeling generous, I might return them to the rightful owner, but it is never wise to trust your precious belongings to the whims of the unpredictable and overworked laundry fairy.

Rule #3

Put it away yourself.  Since I am the only person in my household who cares about wrinkles, I will deign to fold your laundry properly.  Then you must carefully transport it to its home and put it away.  You may not take my basket.  You may not leave piles on chairs, bookshelves or (gasp) the floor.  I have cleaned it and I have folded it and I have delivered it to your little hands.  I expect it to be put in its proper place.

Rule #4

If it comes to me inside out, balled up or doubled up with other shirts, you’re getting it back that way.  It is enough that I am willing to wash your drawers, I do not feel honor bound to pull them out of the leg of your pants.  If you have twenty-seven black t-shirts and you can’t tell which is which when they’re hanging inside-out in the closet, then perhaps you shouldn’t pull them off inside-out.  We all have our limits.  Wrestling through piles of dirty clothes to separate your cami from your t-shirt is where I meet mine.

Rule #5

If you want to re-wear something within two days, you must submit a request.  Said request must be accompanied by manners, respect and possibly chocolate bribes.  Do not ever assume that I have washed and folded every item each night whilst you were dreaming.  I like to sleep, too.  I’ll get it when I get it, or you can wash it yourself.  Along with everyone else’s stinky clothes.

Following these simple rules has guaranteed my family fresh clothing and motherly harmony for many years.  Please feel free to impose my laundry nazi ways upon your own family and I guarantee you’ll find yourself covered up in pocket prizes.

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  1. martha
    August 6, 2012 at 3:39 pm

    Those have always been my rules as well.. nothing more frustrating than washing and folding laundry only to find it in a pile in their room.. UGGH!!

    • August 6, 2012 at 3:42 pm

      M is infamous for balling up every shirt he owns and stuffing it in a drawer. I may list him on ebay if this continues.

  2. Chatter Master
    August 6, 2012 at 4:55 pm

    Super fabulous rules!

    • August 6, 2012 at 7:12 pm

      Thanks 🙂

  3. August 9, 2012 at 9:09 am

    Dude. I have the ‘I have delivered it to your hands, now I am done rule’. This usually works pretty well. But this past week my husband has been getting dressed from a pile of his clothes on the couch that we have all been sitting on. Jesus.

    • August 9, 2012 at 8:19 pm

      My husband also has a problem with public piles. Arg. Husbands.

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