Home > Uncategorized > Ten Reasons I Should be a Hermit

Ten Reasons I Should be a Hermit

The older I get, the less tolerant I become.  Don’t misunderstand, I don’t mean tolerant in a sociological sense.  Different lifestyles, beliefs, cultures…that’s all cool with me.  Live your life the way you want.  I mean tolerant of the little annoyances of life.  The things that irritate most people have started to make me want to rip my face right off my head.  It’s escalating at such a rapid pace that I seriously wonder how I’m going to function in society in another five or ten years.  Medication is probably the answer, or we’re going to see the truth in my daughter’s prediction that I will be in a home by the time she moves out.  Of course, the “home” is more likely to be a “facility” designed to “protect myself and others.”  She promised to come visit from time to time, so I’ve got that going for me.

Anyway, it’s no secret that American society is in the toilet and it seems that I just can’t tolerate it anymore.  Some of these things are egregious, others are harmless, but they all contribute to that weird twitch in my left eye, so I shall call them all out.  Those of you who know me and think it will be funny to do these things just to irritate me, please know that you are wrong.  It will not be funny.

via badapostrophes.com

via badapostrophes.com

  1. Mispronunciation.  Or, not exactly mispronunciation, although that’s an issue in its own right.  I mean when people say things oddly.  I know a guy who says “yesterday” like “yestiday.”  Harmless, right?  Maybe to you, but it causes me involuntary grimaces.  I know this because I have been called out for making faces at him.  Just one of many reasons that I am so incredibly popular.
  2. The inappropriate laugh.  You know the people who laugh after everything they say?  It makes me want to strangle them.  This also applies to people who add “LOL” after every damn Facebook status they’ve ever posted.  Is it meant to be funny?  If you have to laugh as a cue, then you have failed.  You’re not funny, now you’re just annoying.  Sometimes a funny comment falls flat.  Let it go.
  3. Gross incompetence.  I find myself in a world where incompetence is acceptable.  I have recently had dealings with three different companies who screwed up everything they touched.  Why can’t anyone do anything right?  Aren’t you getting paid to do this?  One company rep had the nerve to complain to me that she had spent all day trying to correct the mistake that her company had made.  Why do I care about that?  You’re getting paid to do your job, sweetheart.  I spent the whole day trying to fix it, too, and I did it for free.
  4. Small talk.  I am bad at small talk, so perhaps this is why it annoys me so.  But there are people who can’t just shut the hell up for one minute.  Haven’t they ever heard that silence is golden?  If you truly don’t have anything to say, it is perfectly okay, even preferable, to just be quiet.
  5. Apostrophe’s.  (yes, I did that ironically.) The only possible way I can explain what is happening with apostrophes is that people must feel sorry for them and want them to see more use.  Apostrophes do not make words plural.  They are not a fancy accessory to make words look pretty.  They have a specific purpose and too damn many of you are doing it wrong.
  6. Human contact.  Okay, I know a lot of people believe in the healing power of human contact.  Not me.  I do not want people to touch me.  Handshakes are okay, and that is the extent of the touching I can tolerate.  (Family and close friends are excluded, mostly.)  You know how someone might put a hand on your shoulder in casual conversation?  Shudder.  I don’t understand why people think it is okay to always touch one another.  Isn’t that one of the first lessons we teach our children?  Keep your hands to yourself.
  7. Homophones.  I’ve spoken on this before, but it bears repeating.  Use the correct spelling for the word you want.  If you’re not sure, look it up.  If you’re still not sure, go back to third grade English class.
  8. Pajamas in public.  If it’s now acceptable to wear pajamas in public, I wish someone would send me the memo, because I would happily live in my PJs forevermore.  Oh, it’s not acceptable?  Then stop freaking doing it.  The least you can do is pull on a pair of marginally acceptable yoga pants for your Walmart run.
  9. No sense of humor.  Some people are just so damn earnest.  Laugh a little, for Pete’s sake!
  10. All the other annoying crap that I’ve failed to remember.
via webnat.com

via webnat.com

Now, I’m self-aware enough to realize that the above list reveals that I am a broken person quickly becoming unable to function in society.  That probably annoys people.  I’m kind of okay with that.  I don’t really want to be a part of a world full of these things.  I could work really, really hard to change the way I am, and probably fail, or I can continue to make faces and alienate myself and just be happy in my private little bubble while I eschew the world at large.  Hermit-dom, here I come, a cranky old lady before I hit forty.  Please pass the Valium.

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  1. January 6, 2013 at 11:06 am

    Some of these scare me because they bother me as well.

    Some of them scare me because I do them. No, wait, if I mispronounce by mistake trying to find the correct pronunciation I don’t think that counts. Does it?

    • January 6, 2013 at 11:12 am

      No way, to me it only counts if you do it all the time. You’re safe. 🙂

      • January 6, 2013 at 11:15 am

        Whew! 😉 (I have to admit I was SO tempted to put “LOL” after that but did not because it is NOT funny to purposely annoy you. I am kind like that.) 🙂

      • January 6, 2013 at 11:18 am

        Just one of many reasons that I value you so much. 🙂 I do accept LOL in some circumstances, I just object to things like: I am so bored, guess I’ll go out and see what’s happening tonight. LOL
        Why are we laughing about that!!?????!!

      • January 6, 2013 at 7:01 pm

        Well, I don’t know. But it was funny just now when you wrote it because it made me laugh. 😉

      • January 6, 2013 at 12:54 pm

        Yes, your very safe. bahahaha ~ Kat

      • January 6, 2013 at 1:30 pm

        LOL 😉

  2. Barb
    January 6, 2013 at 12:26 pm

    OMG you are my daughter alright. But the proper English and word usage would be my #1. And I know you weren’t huggy as a child. So God made you that way. Love you and I’m not laughing!!!

    • January 6, 2013 at 1:29 pm

      There’s a distinct possibility that Gramma’s smothering hugs broke me as a child. 😉

  3. January 6, 2013 at 12:53 pm

    You may need to share a bottle of Valium with my husband to endure the apostrophes and homophones . . . ~ Kat

    • January 6, 2013 at 1:30 pm

      It won’t be long before we need something stronger!

  4. Beth Marean
    January 6, 2013 at 1:14 pm

    The only one of these that I am guilty of(I think) is the occasional touch. If I’m at your house drinking and give you a pat on the back, remind me that just because I’m at drunk doesn’t mean you want to be touched. Besides that I have to jump on this bandwagon. 1) I know this woman who says “crots” instead of crocs and “calmy” for clammy. At first I thought it was hilarious, but now it drives me crazy. 2) The inappropriate laugh doesn’t bother me as much as the loud, screeching laugh that can be heard from miles away. It is like a mating call for the stupid. 4) Small talk just reassures how socially incompetent I have become. 5) I will have to pay more attention to the sudden onslaught of apostrophes. I have not being able to see them because I have been using every defense known to man (karate, guns, bombs, and even lightsabers) to ward off the daily attacks of commas. PEOPLE: you DO NOT need a comma in every sentence or even in every paragraph for that matter. Word of advice: it is better to never use than to overuse commas. Now that I have inserted myself into your rant (I hope that doesn’t fall under #10) I feel a little better.

    • January 6, 2013 at 1:34 pm

      I will totally allow you the occasional pat on the back, as long as we don’t get carried away or anything. It’s more just when random people do it.
      I’m going to join you on the comma rant, and I’ll bring my own ninjas. I think there’s a secret movement to undo society at large by way of butchering the English language.

  5. January 6, 2013 at 6:53 pm

    Well, I agree with you on all 10 points, so save some of those awesome drugs for me! I also feel the need to share that I had to resist the urge to incorporate a plethora of grammar and punctuation failures into this comment. 😉

    • January 6, 2013 at 7:02 pm

      Thank you for the grammatically correct comment! 🙂

  6. January 7, 2013 at 8:57 pm

    This is so great!

    • January 8, 2013 at 6:09 am

      Thanks for reading! 🙂

  7. January 27, 2013 at 2:41 pm

    Funny..funny..funny! I really am tempted to tease ya’ll but you seem to go nuts over the same issues I do! And my sons have told me if they win the lottery I will be able to pick my “home” of choice. So, I feel your pain. 🙂

    • January 27, 2013 at 3:02 pm

      How lucky you are! My daughter promises only that I will be allowed out of the home on extra special occasions. 😉
      Thank you for reading!

  1. January 7, 2013 at 5:06 pm
  2. January 28, 2013 at 1:29 pm

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