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The Worst Chore

Let me begin by keeping it real.  All chores suck.  If they were fun, we wouldn’t call them chores.  We would call them hobbies.  But I think we can all agree that some are worse than others.  For instance, I don’t mind mowing grass so much.  If it gets me out of mopping floors, I’ll run outside with joyous abandon.

But even mopping floors can’t hold a candle to what I’m about to tell you.  Not even scrubbing toilets.  I would scrub the toilet with a toothbrush, twice, if it would get me out of this one.  In fact, I might even consider scrubbing the toilet with my toothbrush if I could take a pass on this particular torture.  What on earth could I be talking about?

Waking up my daughter.

I feel a smidge of guilt about this, because she gets her sleeping habits directly from me.  I routinely set three alarms.  On his days off, Hubs sets his alarms for me just to make sure I drag ass out of bed.  I am not exaggerating when I say I sleep like I’m in a coma.  I sleep through vicious thunderstorms.  I sleep through some of the most obnoxious snoring you can imagine.  On two occasions, I have slept through a fire alarm in hotels.  In addition, I wake up angry every single day.  Just the process of pulling myself out of sleep’s gentle arms pisses me off so badly that I literally refuse to speak to anyone until I get some coffee.  I grunt, just like a damn Neanderthal.  I grunt at my kind and gentle husband every morning of his life.  He keeps sticking around.  If that’s not love, I don’t know what is.

via quickmeme.com

via quickmeme.com

So, take all these charming qualities and roll them up with some teenage attitude and the knowledge that what awaits you at school is first period Algebra.  I feel for her, I totally do.  That does not change the fact that this child needs to be awakened each weekday morning at six thirty in the am.  By a cranky ass mother who is running late for work about 99.5% of the time and has been nursing that special morning anger for about an hour.

I’ll tell you how I wake my son.  I walk into his room, turn on the lamp, and say “Good morning, time to get up for school.  What do you want for breakfast?”  And you know what happens?  He wakes up and gets out of bed.  And gets ready for school.

On the other hand, this is how I wake my daughter.  I walk into her room, turn on two lamps, start singing loudly and obnoxiously and shake her shoulder until her eyes open.  Then I ask her questions until I’m certain she’s actually awake and not just feigning wakefulness so I will go away.  Oh, I know the tricks.  I invented the tricks.   Once I’ve ascertained that she is, in fact, awake, I will pleasantly welcome her to another lovely day, tell her exactly how many minutes remain until I have to walk out the door and dare her to make me late for work again.  Then I head back downstairs to make breakfast for the kid who is actually dressed and brushing his teeth by now.

Five minutes later, I beat on the wall of the stairwell, screeching, “Are you awake?  I don’t hear you moving!!”  (On a related note, Hubs discovered a crack in the stairwell wall yesterday, resulting in my being banned from beating on the wall.  Apparently, I’ve been Hulking out without realizing it.)  This will undoubtedly result in a mumbled response.  So upstairs I go, again.  More talking.  More questions.  More lights.

You know what works for this child?  Physically pulling her out of bed and holding her in an upright position until she wakes enough to stand on her own.  (Don’t worry, I’m not yanking her around.  I’m strong enough to do this gently, and hold her up, even though she’s nearly adult-sized.  Please refer to the wall in the previous paragraph for more on my freakish morning-adrenaline strength.)

She HATES this routine, probably as much as I do.  I can imagine.  If someone actually yanked me out of bed every morning, I would probably start throwing punches.  But, from my own experience, I know that there is no way to make mornings pleasant, at least not if they’re going to start at six-damn-thirty and require you to start functioning right away.  So, mornings are going to suck, but the world requires us to deal with them anyway.  In a state of wakefulness.  At some point in this child’s life, she will (hopefully) have a job.  Said job is likely to require her to be awake and present at some time that is earlier than she would prefer.  I wonder who’s going to pull her out of bed then?

Won’t be me, I promise.  I’ll be in the home by then.

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  1. January 28, 2013 at 1:57 pm

    Oh jeez, and I complain about doing the dishes! 🙂

    • January 28, 2013 at 2:13 pm

      If you don’t like dishes, maybe we could work out a trade. 😉

      • January 28, 2013 at 7:26 pm

        Not a chance!

  2. January 28, 2013 at 2:25 pm

    How horrible am I for laughing all the way through this. Having some minor flashbacks, and I say minor compared to your current events, made me laugh even more. I’m so VERY sorry! For both of you. Well, ALL of you. Sympathies. Hang in there! Before you know it she’ll be graduated from high school, gone to college and you will walk in to an empty room, stop dead in your tracks and wish for one more day of this madness. 🙂 And there will be a day when she longs to be back there as well.

    • January 28, 2013 at 2:32 pm

      At this point, we are both longing for the day that we’re longing for the morning insanity…if that makes sense. I hope if her future roommate/husband/whoever is more of a morning person than her mother.

      • January 28, 2013 at 4:39 pm

        😦 I do feel for you. I had to “become” a morning person. And I have a daughter who is STILL not a morning person. Though my attempts at getting her up weren’t quite as bad as yours. She would eventually get up because she liked school. Or a boy. Or didn’t want to be around me! (Before I was working full time). Sympathies!!!!!

      • January 28, 2013 at 6:33 pm

        I think I remember my mom telling me I would become a morning person after I had kids. That did not happen.

      • January 29, 2013 at 5:26 am

        Bummer. 😉

  3. Shelly Tennyson Taylor
    January 28, 2013 at 2:46 pm

    Oh my, that is too funny! I am quite the opposite and so is my child thankfully! At least I know when school starts for her this will not be one of my morning routines. Suddenly I am feeling very blessed!

    • January 28, 2013 at 2:49 pm

      May your good mornings last forevermore! The alternative is a morning Hulk-Out. Hey, maybe I just understood the REAL reason my pants are getting tight…

      • Shelly Tennyson Taylor
        January 28, 2013 at 3:21 pm

        lol!

  4. January 28, 2013 at 8:36 pm

    My mom had a very effective way to get us up in the morning. If we weren’t up and running within 1 minute of her first wake-up call…she returned with a pot of cold water! This piece was very funny.

    • January 28, 2013 at 9:04 pm

      Your mom had the right idea! I once experimented with spray bottles of water, but it went downhill fast. Thank you for the comment!

  5. January 30, 2013 at 1:18 pm

    I’m a two alarm girl, but I must admit that I never thought it could be that hard to wake someone up. I feel like you should get some official recognition for doing what you do every weekday. I’d lose my mind! LOL

    • January 30, 2013 at 4:12 pm

      Thank you…my recognition will hopefully come when she is grown & dragging her kids out of bed. As for my mind… Long gone. 😉

  6. February 1, 2013 at 9:34 pm

    Bahahaha!!!! Um, can’t she just go to bed earlier? (ducking so I don’t end up like the wall)

    • February 2, 2013 at 6:37 am

      Bahaha! I think I could put her to bed at noon & still fight this battle!

  7. February 11, 2013 at 3:27 pm

    I was pretty bad as a kid. I outgrew it. Maybe there’s hope!

    • February 11, 2013 at 3:35 pm

      I will cling to that hope. Or buy her many alarm clocks. 😉

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