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Why Southpaws are Better than Everyone Else

First, let me make this clear.

via frabz.com

via frabz.com

However, I do live with two, count ’em, TWO southpaws.  You just haven’t lived until you’ve tried to teach a left-handed child to write, folks.  Save yourself some trouble and don’t even attempt it.  Let her left-handed father do it.  Or find a leftie tutor.  Or let the kid fend for herself.  I am telling you, here and now, that a right-handed person cannot teach a left-handed kid to write.  (Or possibly *I* just cannot teach a left-handed kid to write, because, now that I think of it, I’m pretty sure right-handed teachers accomplish this every day.  Whatevs.)

But you didn’t come here to read about that, probably.  I was thinking this morning about how dumb my left hand is.  It’s mostly just there for aesthetics, because it’s useless for any task more complex than holding a wine glass.  What happened was I was braiding my hair.  I realize that it’s probably unseemly for a mom in her late thirties to sport Pippi Longstocking braids, but my hair gets in the way when I’m mopping and it’s either this or that tired old ponytail, or a really unattractive man haircut.  (Man haircuts are cute for some people.  So are baseball caps, but that doesn’t mean they look good on my head.  So don’t get all offended if you have a man haircut.  I am certain that it’s adorable on you.)  Anyway, the left braid went swimmingly.  The right braid, less so.  The right braid had to get re-done three times and it took a good deal of cursing at it to get it to lie properly.  Why?  That dumb left hand.  I don’t mean to be abusive, but it just can’t do anything right.  I have noticed similar shortcomings when I try to paint my nails.  My left hand really just cannot learn to do things.  It has a serious problem.

Now as wife/mother to a couple of lefties, I notice that they don’t complain of similar uselessness with regard to their right hands.  Beyond having to buy a CERTAIN kind of vegetable peeler (which is not the kind I prefer, naturally, but then again, I don’t peel potatoes around here, so it’s cool), I don’t hear much about my southpaws struggling with anything.  Why?  Because they have their right hands trained, my friends.  Lefties will not tolerate a useless hand.  They can use BOTH HANDS effectively.  They take no shit from their right hands.  Every hand must pull its own weight.

So this works for lefties, why do we righties tolerate such nonsense from our hands?  And don’t even, don’t even, start talking about how southpaws have to adapt to a right-handed world because I know for a stone fact that there are any number of products designed exclusively for left-handed people.  Just because I refuse to buy them doesn’t mean they don’t exist.  I think lefties are just smarter than us.  They are gifted, if you will.  They can make both hands work properly.  They can braid their hair and paint their nails and even manage the gear shift in a car with their right hands.  I can’t even imagine if I had to shift gears with my left hand.  I would have to stop driving.  Period.  Or get a bulk discount on transmissions or something because there is no way I could expect that kind of performance from my left hand.

I want to take this opportunity to offer my congratulations and my admiration to you southpaws out there.  Kudos to you for getting your money’s worth out that non-dominant hand.  I would applaud you, but my left hand refused to participate.  Lazy bum.

via memegenerator.net

via memegenerator.net

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  1. January 29, 2013 at 12:43 pm

    If it makes you feel any better, I’m ambidextrous, and I can never get my braids to match up, either. 😉

    • January 29, 2013 at 7:17 pm

      That actually does make me feel better! Thank you!

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