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When You’re on Television

We are in a world of reality television.  Even discounting the numerous reality shows, we still have talk shows and game shows and countless opportunities for people to show themselves at less than their best.  I know we’re all human, but I think that if you’re on television, you should make a little extra effort.  A gazillion people are watching you.  You need to try really hard not to act a fool.  Therefore, I have developed a guide of things to do and not to do should you find yourself on television.

Your appearance:

  • Ask at least five honest people if your outfit is working for you.  If they say no, you must believe them and keep shopping.
  • Splurge on a hairdresser.
  • If you normally don’t wear heels, don’t start now.  You’re an accident waiting to happen.
  • Now isn’t the time to try out your kicky new hat.
  • If you tend to make lots of faces, try to get this habit under control before there’s a close up camera present.

Your behavior:

  • Don’t cry.  If you can’t talk about something without crying, then do not talk about that thing.
  • Don’t get bitter.  We all look like fools when we lose our tempers.  Don’t do it in front of millions of people.
  • Don’t try to garner sympathy.  Unless your sad story is why you’re on TV, just keep it to yourself.  Truly, no one cares.
  • Control the nervous chatter.  Who knows what you’ll accidentally say.
  • Remember your manners.
  • Humility matters.  Everyone hates the cocky a-hole.

Now, with that said, I must also say that I will never, ever be on television, because I don’t trust myself to be able to reliably put my best self forward.  I try to have a little forgiveness for the people who are brave enough to just put it all out there, but the guy on Chopped who is crying because his mother has cancer and complaining about all the screws in his spine is making me roll my eyes.  I don’t watch Chopped to hear about your problems, dude.  It’s sad, but I really just want you to cook.  He even said, “I’m crying like a little girl.”  Yes, you are.  Then he said, “But it’s okay.”  No.  No, it is not.  Your crying makes me feel all squirmy and irritable and it’s making me wish Scott Conant would yell at you.

I’m drawing a line in the sand here, people.  There is a difference between “keeping it real” in your life and on television.  I’ll run around town in a ponytail and sweatpants and I don’t care who I run into there.  I would not for a second consider going on television unless I’ve been professionally dressed and coiffed and coached on my inappropriate behavior.  Please, people, give us the “best” part of your reality.  I’ve seen enough of people wearing clothes that don’t fit, crying and embarrassing themselves in a hundred different ways.  If that’s all I wanted, I’d just hang out in Walmart all day.

  1. March 6, 2013 at 1:15 am

    I absolutely agree. Sometimes I think the producers of these shows go out and look for the misfits of society to put them on national tv. Like the Kardashian sisters.

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