Home > Uncategorized > Where’s Bill Murray When You Need Him?

Where’s Bill Murray When You Need Him?

There’s a peculiar thing going on in my back yard.  It’s wild freaking kingdom out there.  Granted, our yard butts up again a wooded patch, but still.  We live in town.  We are in a well-developed part of town right near a major highway.  Why the hell are these animals gathering in my yard?  There is a fence to keep them out, but they’ll not be discouraged.  To date, we have had the following animals in our back yard:

  • neighborhood cats and dogs
  • a snake
  • a mole
  • a skunk
  • 35,246 random squirrels
  • a brown furry thing that looks like this:
via fogsmoviereviews.com

via fogsmoviereviews.com

Which makes me feel like this:

via pinterest.com

via pinterest.com

I can’t say for certain that the little beast is a gopher.  I’m a town girl.  I don’t know about wildlife.  I know that he lives in a truly mind-boggling patch of weeds that my neighbor maintains right next to my fence.  I know that he has dug a hole under the fence to access my yard and I know that the cocky little sucker likes to run right under the edge of my storage building and mock me.

To date, the kids and I are the only ones who’ve witnessed the triumphant sprint into my yard.  When I tried to tell Hubs about it, he asked me (I’m not kidding) if it was a squirrel.  This is when I began to wonder about the private opinion that my husband holds of my intelligence and skills of observation.  Okay, my skills of observation may be lacking, but I do know what a squirrel looks like.  I also know that if I ever encounter a squirrel the size of a small dog who can dig under my fence, then that is the day I burn my house down, because that is going too far, squirrels.

So I have a massive network of underground tunnels in the yard and I’ve got this little brown animal who likes to stare me down when he knows I’m too occupied keeping my children from trying to pet him to give chase.  So it seems like it’s probably a gopher.  Or the mole has returned and brought an above-ground friend with him.  Either way, I’m not totally sure what I want to do about it.  I don’t actually want to kill him, I just want him to go away.  He’s got quite a bit of personality and, while I don’t appreciate it, I’m not comfortable being his murderer.  I am soundly blaming my neighbors for this travesty, since he’s living in their yard, but clearly finds mine more satisfying to destroy.  A gopher with a grudge?  Maybe.

The real question is, what is so attractive in my yard to all the world’s wildlife?  There’s nothing back there.  The trash cans aren’t back there.  I don’t have any delicious edible plants back there.  There is nothing, except the thousands of mothballs that I littered around after I saw the snake.  Maybe gophers like mothballs?  I don’t know what’s going on, but I’m glad that Hubs does the grilling.  It’s getting scary to venture back there, especially when your gopher is a smart ass.

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  1. April 8, 2013 at 9:59 am

    The only purpose he has for the moment is given you something funny to write about…Finding and tracking him will be another… And don’t blame your husband, if my wife said she saw a gopher I will ask her: Are you sure it’s not a squirrel? It’s what men do.

    • April 8, 2013 at 10:02 am

      I can appreciate that about him…since I am woefully short on writing topics today. It’s also interesting that the male mind immediately goes to squirrel. Perhaps we wives need to overcome a history of a bit of exaggeration. 🙂

      • April 8, 2013 at 10:19 am

        Hmmm. Male minds immediately goes to squirrel…interesting… 😉

  2. April 8, 2013 at 7:14 pm

    haha!! I’ve never heard of anyone being maimed by a gopher! I grew up in the country and we had a ton of gophers and because I was always looking for something to do I caught a TON of gophers. I would put a bottle turned upside down in one hole and then I would turn on a hose through the other hole. Gophers don’t like water so up he would come up from the ground and right into the bottle! A little gopher in a bottle! It was a wonderful game for my 5-12 year old self!

    • April 8, 2013 at 8:15 pm

      Gopher in a bottle! I love it! I am just terrified of all wildlife, because I am a wuss.

  3. April 9, 2013 at 6:49 pm

    My husband does the same thing when I tell any truly fascinating story of mystery and suspense – he always follows up with a question which shrieks “oh you poor deluded creature, here’s what probably happened …” Oh men!

    • April 9, 2013 at 7:49 pm

      I know! They just must not want to miss out on the intrigue.

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