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My Breakfast Prejudice

I have this peculiarity about food.

I’ll pause for a moment while you recover from the shock of learning that I have a peculiarity.

It’s about breakfast.  Specifically, what’s okay to eat for breakfast.  More specifically, what’s not okay for breakfast.  Even more specifically, chocolate.  Is not okay.  Chocolate is not okay for breakfast.

I know that I stand alone on this.  There is a bevy of breakfast items just full chocolate.  You’ve got the cocoa puffs, Pop Tarts, granola bars, Belvita…

I have to stop here for a second.  Do you know about these Belvita things?  I know it’s some kind of breakfast cookie that is supposedly quite healthy, but what I cannot wrap my mind around is that there is some marketing team out there who chose to give this product a name that sounds way too much like “Velveeta.”  There is currently a commercial running that starts out saying something like “I had Belvita for breakfast,” and no matter how many times I hear it, I hear “I had Velveeta for breakfast” and I gag.  That just killed any chance of me ever buying this product.

Anyway, chocolate breakfasts.  Even if you disregard all the packaged products, there’s still a huge variety out there.  Muffins, donuts, chocolate waffles, chocolate chip pancakes, crepes, and even, and I swear this is a real thing, chocolate banana bread.  So, okay, I guess society has embraced this early morning chocolate thing, but I’m not buying it.  If you want something sweet around these parts, you had better hope you can find it in a yogurt or a bowl of cereal.

Now, now, before anyone calls the authorities, I have been known to, on occasion, offer a chocolate something to my children in the morning.  Chocolate banana smoothies sometimes, a very occasional box of Cocoa Pebbles, sometimes a donut.  On very, very, special occasions, when the planets are in alignment and the dog didn’t spend the previous night sleeping on my head, I may offer hot cocoa.  But for the most part, find some Cheerios or eat a bagel, but woe betide the poor soul who asks for a chocolate muffin in this house.


I’m not a chocolate hater; I actually love it much more than is good for me.  I don’t have any bad chocolate breakfast experiences, unless I have repressed them.  It’s just simply not right.  I recently saw an article about the benefits of eating chocolate at breakfast  I didn’t even read it, friends, but it was clearly full of lies and half-truths.  Look, my mother told me, as I’m certain yours told you, that breakfast is the most important meal of the day.  You can’t have chocolate for the most important freaking meal of the day!  It’s absurd!  When I was a kid, I got oatmeal for breakfast.  Does instant oatmeal contain enough sugar to give a Hershey bar diabetes?  Perhaps, but that’s neither here nor there.  The point is, oatmeal is a breakfast food.  Candy, most decidedly, is not.

I rest my case.


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