Home > Uncategorized > The Case of the Absent Toaster

The Case of the Absent Toaster

Recently, I bought some Pop Tarts.  This is not a thing I normally do, because I don’t consider them, in all their sugary, artificial, carbo-loaded glory, to be a proper breakfast.  However, it was the first week of school and I got them as a treat for my kids, further proving that I am not a heartless monster.  During the reign of Pop Tarts in the house, I finally noticed something that has been happening quietly for years.

People don’t toast Pop Tarts anymore.


Did you gasp?  No, probably not, because you probably don’t toast your Pop Tarts, either.  What is wrong with the world today?  Pop Tarts are meant to be toasted.  They are actually called “toaster pastries.”  They are not called, “unwrap and eat raw and cold directly from the box.”  Have you ever looked up Pop Tarts on Wikipedia?  I have, and I’m here to tell you that “toast” and/or “toaster” appears eighteen times in the entry.  Eighteen times!  And you know who toasts them?  Me.  Just me.

Everywhere I can find a Pop Tart, I find a person eating that Pop Tart raw.  (I know it’s not technically raw, but when something that’s meant to be cooked, and isn’t, what do you call it?)  My coworkers eat them raw, my husband eats them raw.  I actually don’t know if my own children have ever tasted a Pop Tart that was toasted.

I, for one, have never taken one bite out of a raw Pop Tart.  They’re supposed to be cooked, and cook them I shall.  The best part of a Pop Tart is the toasty goodness.  You have to earn your stripes when they pop out of the toaster registering approximately 583 degrees.  You have to work for that Pop Tart; you have to want it. Then when it cools, the edges are all brown and toasty (they don’t call food golden brown and delicious for nothing) and the insides are all gooey and melty and the pastry kind of slides around on it.  Which is much less disgusting than it sounds like.  Why are you all cheating yourselves out of this exquisite Pop Tart experience??  You want a quick and easy snack on the go?  You want it wrapped in foil and masquerading as breakfast food?

You, friend, are looking for a granola bar.


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